I woke up this morning with a feeling of anxiety in my stomach, it was a combination of cautious hopefulness and dread. I feel in a surreal state of being, this feeling spread to my chest and coated the underside of my ribs where it has stayed the entire day.

The political decision that the court will make tomorrow at 10am has put me in this state. I have sensation because of my having finally entered in to a political consciousness. As a young person I was so concerned with my own survival and then my own reprocessing and growth from that survival that it took me much effort to expand my true consciousness to politics.

It truly is surreal to realize that there are other humans, whom I and most others this ruling will affect will never meet, in a room I have never and likely never will see, that will decide the possibility of my fate. They will make a LEGAL RULING that will declare whether or not I am treated equally in my state. It is one of the most intense sensations I have felt in my life. It is more intense to me than the first passing of California marriage equality simply because I was too narcissistic and shameful about myself to feel it. Now I am out and proud and have participated in advocacy for marginalized people. I have seen how legislation changes culture and culture changes legislation. I have seen and touched the differences that laws make in the every day lives of people. Here is one that is affecting the path my life can take. Actually it is offering the possibility of a new path my life could take, a path that had been blocked to me. I had decided since a young age that I would live my life the way I wanted despite the laws that make strong suggestions in a certain direction. I reaffirmed this in myself when I finally came out as gay, that I would live my life to fit my inner being, not the outer expectations. But this is something that can affect the number of choices I have in that life. This will legally declare equality.

This will declare legal equality.

This will make legal equality LAW in my state.

This surreal sensation is multilayered. I am excited to be declared equal, so that no one in this state can tell me other wise, law is law. But there is challenge in being place side by side those that discriminated you. Being placed next to the ones that considered you, “less than,” and called you “different but equal.”

A great weight has been lifted and a great responsibility has been granted.

There is certain strength and power to being in the margins. In a significant way, that will be relinquished tomorrow at 10am. I know this ruling is not a magic fairy wand that will fix all wrongs, but it is a grand jete over the rainbow!

Peace, Love, And Equality to All!

CG